Five for Friday

1. I am not doing that 31 days of reading proverbs. It's just not the right time for me and it's not doing anything for my spirit and that's important right now. There are other months with 31 days in it. This is what the Bible dictionary says about Proverbs.

There is much in it that does not rise above the plane of worldly wisdom, but throughout it is taken for granted that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (1:7; 9:10). The least spiritual of the Proverbs are valuable as reminding us that the voice of Divine Inspiration does not disdain to utter homely truths.

2. I'm reading The Book of Mormon instead. I'm looking for scriptures about the atonement specifically because of this quote and also about God the Father. Here are some other cool things I've found and how I'm looking at them.
A. The most important thing you can teach your children according to Elder Ballard is that they are children of God.

One day, years ago, I was at a seminary meeting where Elder Ballard was speaking to us – and he said something that I will never, ever forget. He said, “If my grandchild were in your classroom, there is one thing I would want to be certain that you taught them….” Now pause, for a moment – before he finished that statement, I remember being so impacted by it. He was making our classroom personal to someone that he cared deeply about, so I knew he was going to say something that I should heed. So, I was on the edge of my chair and ready to learn whatever he was going to say. He finished that sentence by saying, “I would want you to teach them that they are children of God.” (From this blog)

B. 1 Nephi 11:7 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

C. 1 Nephi 15:14 And at that day shall the remnant of our ^aseed ^bknow that they are of the house of Israel, and that they are the ^ccovenant people of the Lord; and then shall they know and ^dcome to the ^eknowledge of their forefathers, and also to the knowledge of the gospel of their Redeemer, which was ministered unto their fathers by him; wherefore, they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer and the very points of his doctrine, that they may know how to come unto him and be saved.

Knowing you are not just a child of God, but a covenant people of the Lord according to this scripture tells us 3 other important truths as well. They are 1. I know my past, my history. (not only the history of the children of Israel, but my history from the very beginning of time) 2. I know the gospel of my Redeemer. 3. I know how to come unto him and be saved!

Wow- that's a lot huh!

Do you see the progression? A few years ago I thought- so what I'm a child of God- so is everyone else- that doesn't make me special. But someone said to me- basically the message in that last scripture. You are a child of God who has been baptized, who has made covenants in the temple, who has access to the priesthood.

3. I am back to the job search for a job that will pay my bills. I'm only working 12 to 17 hours a week and only making 8.50 an hour. Not enough. I thought I had some good paying jobs just waiting for me, but they didn't come to pass, so I start again with a serious job search. Your prayers on my behalf would be appreciated.

4. FLEAS, FLEAS EVERYWHERE. I can't lay down in my bed, I can't sit down in my car with out being bit. Sadie, my sisters golden retriever got them from spending the night with me. No more dog sleep overs. If you know me, you know of my OCD behavior of scratching and picking my wounds. My legs are the ugliest they have ever been. I'm trying everything I possibly can- vinegar in the dogs water, garlic pills for me, cedar chips under the bed, bombing the house, borax in the carpet. Something has to work. Once I have the biting stopped and the wounds healed I can focus on putting fade cream on the scars. Maybe next summer I'll have nice legs, maybe, just maybe

5. I've been going to this divorce support group. We basically watch videos- a series of 6- from this Christian guy. I would rather spend my time talking than watching a video. It's in the basement of a Nazarene Church. Everyone in the group is Christian. No one knows I'm a Mormon. The videos are OK, the people in the group are really good people. I hear things about being saved, and laying on of hands, swear words, and prayers with Amen's, and yes in the middle from the one not voicing the prayer. We pray holding hands in a circle.

But my situation is so different and because of my beliefs it's different. (Marriage can be for eternity, is a gospel ordinance, I will only marry a temple recommend worthy Mormon so my choices are limited, I have no children and I may not have any.) Those things are a HUGE difference to what they are dealing with. They may have been married for 14 years or 8 years, or what ever and have children, and that is hugely painful, but the lack of the knowledge of eternity and the WHY of marriage makes it so different. I think about Ensign talks that the instructor should share with us. (I will give them to her) I think of reading stuff to make next time (if there is a next time) better. I think of how to say the things other say with gospel words, scripture words.

I tell you this because I don't know if I will continue. The next class will be "divorce care". I usually get something out of the class, but sometimes not. Maybe I will do a few classes and see if it helps with anything. My pattern changing class is telling me that I need to be number one, I need to take care of myself and to give myself a gift at least once a week. This divorce class is either good for me or it is taking up my time. These people do social things together on Friday nights, go camping, go the park after class and I just can't see myself really meshing with these people, really opening up and being me. I need LDS friends. While it's a good opportunity to share the gospel, and I'm not sure why I haven't shared my particular faith with them (No one else has), I guess because I'm afraid of trying to be "saved", convinced I'm wrong, shouldn't be there, etc. But I'm learning that I even have to be honest with the people in my ward that I'm divorced. It's making me who I am. It is who I am. I can't hide that, because I doing so I hide myself. So I will share, when the time is right with my ward who I really am and I will continue to think about and see if I will continue with this divorce christian group.

FINAL

I am now just a single rose, but one is a whole number and
one rose is beautiful all on it's own.

Today the divorce became final. Judge Debra A. Orr pronounced it before 9:30 am. I think I will always remember her name. I texted Jason the news and he said back "love 2 U". There were no tears or happiness on my part. It just is. I exchanged one worry for another. I go back to praying for a temple marriage- I actually prayed for that while I was married too. But my friend Cindy from work back in Bellevue told me to pray for someone to cherish me that I can cherish too, and to ask myself, not how do I feel about the person I'm with, but how I feel about my self. She's a wise woman. She knows because she's been there.

I've been going to a divorce support group on Wed with other Christians in the basement of a Nazarene church in town. No one knows I'm LDS, but they will soon. We are all writing how God has helped us through this, sharing scriptures, prayers, music, friends or family. The scriptures I share will be from The Book of Mormon.

Two weeks ago I started going to a 14 week class called 'pattern changing'. So far both times I walked away realizing how battered I was. I was so stressed out about the class last night I needed to talk to someone. It's not a therapy group, but educational. I decided I need counseling the day after the class, not before or the day of.

Here are some things that I learned that spoke to me. It all spoke to me, but these were stronger than others.

From a paper called "self-Advocacy Strategies Questionnaire":

#8 If a decision will lead to either guilt or resentment, go with guilt! Because it is more likely I will be acting in my best interest rather than someone else's.

#23 When a woman says, 'i feel sorry for him,' she is making the other person's problem her problem. If I feel sorry for him, I'm suppose to do something about it. I should do something that he would like me to do (go back to him; stay in the relationship). This is faulty thinking! I may not like to see him suffer, but it may be contrary to my best interest to do something that reduces my guilt and alleviated his pain. I am not responsible for solving the problems that he caused and for which he needs to be held accountable. (Otherwise, he'll never learn and will continue to treat other women the way he treated me.) If I do something that he wants because I feel sorry for him, it means that I may be placing his wants and interests above my own (and my children's) best interest. I must act in my best interest.

I've already started to use this (not just the classes, but the whole experience: dating, marriage, and divorce) as a learning experience.

31 days 1 day late

At my divorce support group the leader told us about reading the book of Proverbs in 31 days as it has 31 chapters and there are 31 days in August. I was thinking about this on July 31, but totally spaced it Aug 1st. I will read 2 chapters tonight to make up and hopefully will be able to really do it.

I've started reading The Book of Mormon again, with a new book- looking for verses and doctrines about the Atonement, because of this posted on my nephews blog and now on my quote blog:

There is an imperative need for each of us to strengthen our understanding of the significance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ so that it will become an unshakable foundation upon which to build our lives. As the world becomes more devoid of foundational standards and as honor, virtue, and purity are increasingly cast aside in the pursuit of appetite, our understanding of and faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ will provide strength and capacity needed for a successful life. It will also bring confidence in times of trial and peace in moments of turmoil.

I energetically encourage you to establish a personal study plan to better understand and appreciate the incomparable, eternal, infinite consequences of Jesus Christ’s perfect fulfillment of His divinely appointed calling as our Savior and Redeemer. Profound personal pondering of the scriptures accompanied by searching, heartfelt prayer will fortify your understanding of and appreciation for His priceless Atonement. Another powerful way to learn of Jesus Christ and His Atonement is through consistent temple attendance.

http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/he-lives-all-glory-to-his-name?lang=eng

I'm also trying to keep on with the New Testament, but due to my depression it's hard. I like this sight to help, specifically Kevin Hinckleys power point presentations that are so masterfully done.

The House of Mom

711 Ramsbrook St, Meridian Idaho
Mom's brand new, never been lived in, three bedroom house.
She's never been able to do any of these things before, so it's so exciting for her.
This is the first time she's been able to park her car in the garage!

After the long entryway that is now covered with family pictures
is the living room with brand new couch and 2 chairs.
These pictures were pre-curtains and wall hangings, but you get the idea.

Another one with Parker, who is just visiting.

Mom's totally cool bathroom and walk in closet. She's never had either of these!
Mom got a whole new bed set that is dark wood.

Again- pictures are before we hung things on the wall.
The first room off the living room and the windows in the front of the house is mom's sewing and computer room. It has lots of space! The second room and the first down the hall across from the bathroom that mom is decorating with light houses and beach stuff is the guest room with the TV and a few storage stuff. There is a walk in closet in the hall way too with lots of space!

The best part- the brand new everything kitchen and these
cool bar chairs that mom picked out her self. Very nice huh!

Tree Down

Back on May 26 we had a rain storm complete with lightening and thunder. This tree in my neighbors yard came down in between us both. Here are the pictures.

It just missed the old clunker of a truck of the people who live above me. Lucky for them.
I like taking pictures of natures handiwork.

Back to Green!

Cindy and Mike let me go camping with them, Amber and Sadie the dog the weekend before the 4th of July. We drove about 2 hours up to McCall Idaho, cute tourist town and near Ponderosa State Park.

Check out this double circle rainbow around the sun! Amazing!

This is Sadie the 12 year old Golden Retriever sitting outside the "don't get me bugs" eating tent. Cindy and Amber are inside! This was my first time camping with a dog and made me realize that with all the people walking by with or with out their dogs Coco wouldn't do well. He'd bother everyone with his barking. We did take Sadie swimming for a short while in the Payette Lake

Mike, the grill master. We had Hobo dinners. Ya know- meat, potatoes, carrots, and unions in tin foil. Yummy!

This little brand new beauty is why we had to go. It was just purchased a few days before we left and fit all 4 of us. Funny shape huh. But it has a bathroom, shower, stove, over, microwave, TV and DVD player too. I was not for the TV and DVD player- that's not camping.
But the rest was nice!

Amber was modeling it for me!

This is on the shores of McCall. We went into a few small shops- a rock shop that was amazing, a glass shop with FUNNY sayings too.

Do you see the green trees, and the blue sky, and the mountains with snow on top and the lake. It was like being home for a while!
Lots of deep breaths!

What the books say about the BIG D!

I picked up a book entitled The Divorce Recovery Source-book.
Here are somethings that it said in just the first chapter.

Divorce is a savage emotional journey in which you ricochet between failure of the past and the uncertainty of the future, all the while struggling to understand what went wrong and to apportion blame.

Some experts believe that the emotional impact of divorce is greater than that of a spouse's death. Death is final, but divorce leaves people feeling not only with feelings of loss, but often hurt, resentment, jealousy, and blame as well. Widow's don't have to face the ambivalence and sense of failure brought about by divorce.

People who have enduring a divorce emphasize the importance of understanding the life will never be the same. Divorce is both the death of an old relationship and old dreams, and the beginning of a new life full of exhilarating possibilities. (or in my case, scary possibilities)

Psychologist note that a person facing a d always feels at some point like a failure. Not surprisingly , emotional turbulence and wild mood swings are normal during this time. Emotional turmoil, while fare from pleasant is normal and necessary and must be experienced in order to complete the psychological process of separation from the old life and former mate.

Starting over requires letting go of the past, a task which is both an art and a a skill. It goes not good to try to force painful feelings to go away. All professionally who work with those recovering from a D stress the importance of facing the lass and talking time ot feel and work through the grief.

Problems in their professional and financial lives are often rooted in what one counselor terms the "divorce hangover". she describes this state as a crippling condition characterized by persistent feelings of pain, anger, anxiety or depression, which keeps on from living fully in the present and moving forward into the future. D hangover is a network of strong emotions that keep you connected to your ex-spouse and stuck in the past. Hence the importance of achieving closure after a d.

Many who D feel uncertain about their very identities. People are not sure who or what they are once such a powerful role in life has been eliminated.

4 Emotions need to be worked on: Anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow.

When anger is suppressed, sadness can turn into self-pity leaving a person feeling victimized, guilty and stuck in the misery of the past. When anger takes over other feelings, it can be difficult to feel compassion toward others and grieve for your self. Once an angry person is able to face and feel her sadness, she can let go of anger and forgive. Psychologists stress, however that it is important for everyone to connect with and accept the anger that follows a divorce, since suppressed anger will surface eventually and often does so in destructive ways.

Emotional pain is a healer and a teacher that moves people to take action to make necessary change in their lives. Even those who are certain that the end of the marriage was a positive change often feel a great deal of misery and doubt. Many find it difficult to admit to and face feelings of sorrow. Denial is a common reaction to the anguish that persists after a dovorce. Men especially,may tend to suppress or try to minimize the pain of D, because males are trained in our society not to show, or even to allow themselves to feel emotions that indicated vulnerability. It is crucial to allow one's feeling to progress and to undergo the legitimate suffering that follows a painful, life changing even.

Suppressing negative emotions leads to numbness and the inability to full experience the positive feelings that make life rich and full.