FINAL

I am now just a single rose, but one is a whole number and
one rose is beautiful all on it's own.

Today the divorce became final. Judge Debra A. Orr pronounced it before 9:30 am. I think I will always remember her name. I texted Jason the news and he said back "love 2 U". There were no tears or happiness on my part. It just is. I exchanged one worry for another. I go back to praying for a temple marriage- I actually prayed for that while I was married too. But my friend Cindy from work back in Bellevue told me to pray for someone to cherish me that I can cherish too, and to ask myself, not how do I feel about the person I'm with, but how I feel about my self. She's a wise woman. She knows because she's been there.

I've been going to a divorce support group on Wed with other Christians in the basement of a Nazarene church in town. No one knows I'm LDS, but they will soon. We are all writing how God has helped us through this, sharing scriptures, prayers, music, friends or family. The scriptures I share will be from The Book of Mormon.

Two weeks ago I started going to a 14 week class called 'pattern changing'. So far both times I walked away realizing how battered I was. I was so stressed out about the class last night I needed to talk to someone. It's not a therapy group, but educational. I decided I need counseling the day after the class, not before or the day of.

Here are some things that I learned that spoke to me. It all spoke to me, but these were stronger than others.

From a paper called "self-Advocacy Strategies Questionnaire":

#8 If a decision will lead to either guilt or resentment, go with guilt! Because it is more likely I will be acting in my best interest rather than someone else's.

#23 When a woman says, 'i feel sorry for him,' she is making the other person's problem her problem. If I feel sorry for him, I'm suppose to do something about it. I should do something that he would like me to do (go back to him; stay in the relationship). This is faulty thinking! I may not like to see him suffer, but it may be contrary to my best interest to do something that reduces my guilt and alleviated his pain. I am not responsible for solving the problems that he caused and for which he needs to be held accountable. (Otherwise, he'll never learn and will continue to treat other women the way he treated me.) If I do something that he wants because I feel sorry for him, it means that I may be placing his wants and interests above my own (and my children's) best interest. I must act in my best interest.

I've already started to use this (not just the classes, but the whole experience: dating, marriage, and divorce) as a learning experience.

31 days 1 day late

At my divorce support group the leader told us about reading the book of Proverbs in 31 days as it has 31 chapters and there are 31 days in August. I was thinking about this on July 31, but totally spaced it Aug 1st. I will read 2 chapters tonight to make up and hopefully will be able to really do it.

I've started reading The Book of Mormon again, with a new book- looking for verses and doctrines about the Atonement, because of this posted on my nephews blog and now on my quote blog:

There is an imperative need for each of us to strengthen our understanding of the significance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ so that it will become an unshakable foundation upon which to build our lives. As the world becomes more devoid of foundational standards and as honor, virtue, and purity are increasingly cast aside in the pursuit of appetite, our understanding of and faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ will provide strength and capacity needed for a successful life. It will also bring confidence in times of trial and peace in moments of turmoil.

I energetically encourage you to establish a personal study plan to better understand and appreciate the incomparable, eternal, infinite consequences of Jesus Christ’s perfect fulfillment of His divinely appointed calling as our Savior and Redeemer. Profound personal pondering of the scriptures accompanied by searching, heartfelt prayer will fortify your understanding of and appreciation for His priceless Atonement. Another powerful way to learn of Jesus Christ and His Atonement is through consistent temple attendance.

http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/he-lives-all-glory-to-his-name?lang=eng

I'm also trying to keep on with the New Testament, but due to my depression it's hard. I like this sight to help, specifically Kevin Hinckleys power point presentations that are so masterfully done.

The House of Mom

711 Ramsbrook St, Meridian Idaho
Mom's brand new, never been lived in, three bedroom house.
She's never been able to do any of these things before, so it's so exciting for her.
This is the first time she's been able to park her car in the garage!

After the long entryway that is now covered with family pictures
is the living room with brand new couch and 2 chairs.
These pictures were pre-curtains and wall hangings, but you get the idea.

Another one with Parker, who is just visiting.

Mom's totally cool bathroom and walk in closet. She's never had either of these!
Mom got a whole new bed set that is dark wood.

Again- pictures are before we hung things on the wall.
The first room off the living room and the windows in the front of the house is mom's sewing and computer room. It has lots of space! The second room and the first down the hall across from the bathroom that mom is decorating with light houses and beach stuff is the guest room with the TV and a few storage stuff. There is a walk in closet in the hall way too with lots of space!

The best part- the brand new everything kitchen and these
cool bar chairs that mom picked out her self. Very nice huh!

Tree Down

Back on May 26 we had a rain storm complete with lightening and thunder. This tree in my neighbors yard came down in between us both. Here are the pictures.

It just missed the old clunker of a truck of the people who live above me. Lucky for them.
I like taking pictures of natures handiwork.

Back to Green!

Cindy and Mike let me go camping with them, Amber and Sadie the dog the weekend before the 4th of July. We drove about 2 hours up to McCall Idaho, cute tourist town and near Ponderosa State Park.

Check out this double circle rainbow around the sun! Amazing!

This is Sadie the 12 year old Golden Retriever sitting outside the "don't get me bugs" eating tent. Cindy and Amber are inside! This was my first time camping with a dog and made me realize that with all the people walking by with or with out their dogs Coco wouldn't do well. He'd bother everyone with his barking. We did take Sadie swimming for a short while in the Payette Lake

Mike, the grill master. We had Hobo dinners. Ya know- meat, potatoes, carrots, and unions in tin foil. Yummy!

This little brand new beauty is why we had to go. It was just purchased a few days before we left and fit all 4 of us. Funny shape huh. But it has a bathroom, shower, stove, over, microwave, TV and DVD player too. I was not for the TV and DVD player- that's not camping.
But the rest was nice!

Amber was modeling it for me!

This is on the shores of McCall. We went into a few small shops- a rock shop that was amazing, a glass shop with FUNNY sayings too.

Do you see the green trees, and the blue sky, and the mountains with snow on top and the lake. It was like being home for a while!
Lots of deep breaths!

What the books say about the BIG D!

I picked up a book entitled The Divorce Recovery Source-book.
Here are somethings that it said in just the first chapter.

Divorce is a savage emotional journey in which you ricochet between failure of the past and the uncertainty of the future, all the while struggling to understand what went wrong and to apportion blame.

Some experts believe that the emotional impact of divorce is greater than that of a spouse's death. Death is final, but divorce leaves people feeling not only with feelings of loss, but often hurt, resentment, jealousy, and blame as well. Widow's don't have to face the ambivalence and sense of failure brought about by divorce.

People who have enduring a divorce emphasize the importance of understanding the life will never be the same. Divorce is both the death of an old relationship and old dreams, and the beginning of a new life full of exhilarating possibilities. (or in my case, scary possibilities)

Psychologist note that a person facing a d always feels at some point like a failure. Not surprisingly , emotional turbulence and wild mood swings are normal during this time. Emotional turmoil, while fare from pleasant is normal and necessary and must be experienced in order to complete the psychological process of separation from the old life and former mate.

Starting over requires letting go of the past, a task which is both an art and a a skill. It goes not good to try to force painful feelings to go away. All professionally who work with those recovering from a D stress the importance of facing the lass and talking time ot feel and work through the grief.

Problems in their professional and financial lives are often rooted in what one counselor terms the "divorce hangover". she describes this state as a crippling condition characterized by persistent feelings of pain, anger, anxiety or depression, which keeps on from living fully in the present and moving forward into the future. D hangover is a network of strong emotions that keep you connected to your ex-spouse and stuck in the past. Hence the importance of achieving closure after a d.

Many who D feel uncertain about their very identities. People are not sure who or what they are once such a powerful role in life has been eliminated.

4 Emotions need to be worked on: Anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow.

When anger is suppressed, sadness can turn into self-pity leaving a person feeling victimized, guilty and stuck in the misery of the past. When anger takes over other feelings, it can be difficult to feel compassion toward others and grieve for your self. Once an angry person is able to face and feel her sadness, she can let go of anger and forgive. Psychologists stress, however that it is important for everyone to connect with and accept the anger that follows a divorce, since suppressed anger will surface eventually and often does so in destructive ways.

Emotional pain is a healer and a teacher that moves people to take action to make necessary change in their lives. Even those who are certain that the end of the marriage was a positive change often feel a great deal of misery and doubt. Many find it difficult to admit to and face feelings of sorrow. Denial is a common reaction to the anguish that persists after a dovorce. Men especially,may tend to suppress or try to minimize the pain of D, because males are trained in our society not to show, or even to allow themselves to feel emotions that indicated vulnerability. It is crucial to allow one's feeling to progress and to undergo the legitimate suffering that follows a painful, life changing even.

Suppressing negative emotions leads to numbness and the inability to full experience the positive feelings that make life rich and full.

Welcome to my new home!

Parker and Coco sitting out side on our driveway enjoying the weather.
Pull in, there are a lot of room for cars.

The gate that keeps the dogs in during the day while I'm gone. Enter here.

The entry way to our down stair basement apartment place. Coco brought this dog bed out.
We call it his 'mommy' cause he nurses on it. As you can see this is a perfect place for the dogs.
They have shelter when it's hot and when it's cold.

Through the door and the kitchen is to your right. The place got new stove, dishwasher and fridge and carpet just days before I moved in.

This is my dinning area, usually filled with papers. There is nothing dividing this from the living room, so I put up the quilt to make it seem like a different place.

This is my living room. I inherited this sectional from mom. My pet rats from a few years ago would crawl all over it and chewed parts of the ribbing, so mom didn't want it anymore. I got new pillows to bring some color to the place.

Another view of the living room. To the left is a closet with a washer and dryer hook up, but I use it for food storage. I go to my mom's to visit and do laundry.
The place has 3 bedroom. One that is mine and 2 that are filled with shelves and boxes.
It's been a great place for the dogs and I. When Mike drove me around looking for place to live, we ran into this one accidentally. He said he felt really good about this one. I was to numb at the time to feel anything. I was thinking why 3 bedrooms. But now I know.
Parker for the first time in almost 5 years I've had him as scratched at the door or barked to go outside. He would NEVER do that before.
I leave the door open when I'm home so they can go in and out when they want. I get flies in, but little black flying things is the least of my worries!