No, the three little words are not "I love you."The three little words are "I hate men."
I've been saying it nearly every day for more than a decade. It's learned behavior.
It's not what you think. It's not just about Jason, although I still said those words while being married- really bad sign huh?
I know a lot of good, amazing men. Some of them are family members, some in bishopric's and stake presidencies and they are all married! The good ones are mostly taken.
If I know some good ones, why do I hate them?
I've come to know that is means a variety of things.
1. I hate that I didn't get married young to a man and have the life I wanted. It seems to fall into everyone's lap so easily.
2. I hate the situation I'm in and wouldn't have to be in if I was happily married.
3. I hate that the right man is not right here fixing this mess I'm in.
It was a man that got me in this mess in the first place.
I understand this feeling.
ReplyDeleteSeveral years ago, I was going through a divorce. I found out my first husband had been cheating and lying through our entire marriage. (Think Tiger Woods - minus the money). He had kept up a double life; a total facade. We went to the temple often (at least twice a month!), and he served in various callings in the ward - all while living a double life of adultery.
Anyway...when we were splitting up, I remember looking around my ward on a Sunday, thinking that I knew that so many men probably had some kind of dirty little secret. It was strange.
But then, I felt the Spirit rebuke what I was thinking. I realized that while some men may have issues, not all men were bad. There was hope for me and for men, in general. I didn't need to be so negative. I realized that my point of view needed to change - NOT because I needed to give men a break, but because such an opinion would be poison to my own soul. Men hold the priesthood, men serve as prophets and apostles. I knew that if I continued such an outlook, my feelings would probably then start to impact what I thought of the faithful men.
I also realized that there are some devilish women out there...and I wouldn't want a man to lump me into an "I hate women" kind of thing.
Even though I realized this, doesn't mean it was tough to overcome that feeling. In fact, even years after that experience, and even years after being marred to a good man I find myself being tempted to think that...It can be hard to change! However, I have realized that letting go of that feeling liberated me. It was nice - while I was single (and even now) - not hating...good men or bad men...I liked having control over my emotional responses, and giving up that feeling of disgust really helped me to feel better about life, in general. (not sure if this is making sense)...
Anyways - thanks, as always, for your honesty in your posts. :) It is good to see that people who are faithful aren't just blind leaders living some kind of blissful life, but that you choose to have faith - even though life isn't perfect. You are a good example of real faith.