Dad is still around

My father's birthday is Feb 26th.  He was born in 1917, so he would be 96 this year. I've posted before about moments with my dad on the other side of the veil.  I've had quite a few recently.

A few weeks ago I had that upset week due to what was said to me by the bishop in front of the whole ward council.  I spent sacrament meeting REALLY upset.  In my tears, all of a sudden I thought of dad.  I missed my dad.  I wish my dad was here.  I KNOW he would of felt my pain, he would of understood and not wanted me to suffer in that way.  I know this because of how he acted in the past to things like this that caused me such grief and heart ache.  He would of cried with me. I know he was there, listening to me, hearing me, totally aware of what I was going through. I know I thought of him only, because he was there, watching or actually with me.

I felt nothing from him when I got married.  Nothing.  I know it's because it wasn't right.  And that is sad.

I went to the temple Thursday and the high priest group leader was there.  He was one of the people who also was in the bishopric's office when "it" happened.  He asked me to go to the prayer circle. His wife is not a member.  When I was there, standing next to this thin older brother I thought of dad.  *tears*  I miss my dad.

Dad and Mom, just a month before he died in July of 2006.

This didn't happen recently, but while I lived in Nampa, praying on my bedside crying so hard, I saw in my minds eye, someone tapping dad on the shoulder while he was talking to a group of people, men I think.  The person tapped him and then pointed down at me.  He turned around and witnessed my pain.  I'd like to think the person who tapped him was the Savior, but it's my understanding that he does not reside there.  Either way, it does not matter.  My dad was there and someone, perhaps another family member let my dad know what was going on with me. He seems to be there in times of pain.

I really believe that dad is doing missionary work there.  He was almost always called to be a stake missionary.  He was often trying to be a missionary while on this earth- in his younger years at least. 

It was sad to be in Europe 6 days after we buried him.  I went to WWII places. I finally KNEW what kind of questions to ask and he wasn't there. 

A thought just occurred to me.  I think he is very aware of his family when we are in pain.  When we are happy and things are going good for us spiritually and emotionally (those 2 are tied together) he's busy doing his job. I know that he's busy but aware because a blessing told me so.  I think if I had a spouse that I was sealed to that was on the other side of the veil he would be the one looking in.  I'm sure dad is worried about the married kids when there are hard times, but if they have a spouse who takes good care of them emotionally, is at least trying anyway, then his fatherly responsibility... is well.... It's been taken over by the husband responsibility, because you know... A man should leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife.

So the big message is:

Of this I know! 

So Wounded, So Hurt!

On Sunday the Bishop who has been great up until NOW, humiliated me in front of the whole Ward Council.  It's been 4 days since it's happened and I continue to wake up to the feeling of intense anger and I yell- at him although I know no one is there. I yell out of self-defense and self preservation.  I really can't tell you how wounded I am.  I did not warrant what I got.  

I was told by the Stake Presidency member and the HC that I should be at the ward council meeting.  I was in Bellevue before I got married.  I tell this to the bishop and he said he's going to check.  Message is -i don't believe you.   I  never hear anything back but  my HT is in the Bishopric so I talk to him, he said they had been talking about it, so yes come in.   When it gets to the SA on the list I start.  I tell them my EXPERIENCES:

1. There was nothing here in the TF stake. 
2. I went to the stake president- He acknowledged they didn't know how to do it well, he was glad I came. 
3. For some reason the SA program here gathers the senior citiizens- I've had 2 dates with them, one that pooped on my bathroom floor.
4. I also mention that most likely they have not been in a council with a SA rep, but that it happens all over the place.
5.  I tell them about what we are trying to do.- Activities every month.  The day previous was an activity  our ward  was the only one that came through.  
6. There are 66 SA in our wards.  I need to know who is dead, moved, married, a do not contact, etc.
7. Activity announcements need to be made in RS and Priesthood. 
8. I also mention that MANY SA are not asked to speak like the married people are.  I mention this to point out the incongrucency and the fact that it is being a respector of persons. 

Here is where the crap comes in.
The bishop gets out the handbook, reads the paragraph that does not mention my calling at all.  I'm shocked.  He also mentions him talking to the stk pres who says if he feels like we need it, I can come.  A clear statement from Bishop- "If I'm invited."  Then he mentions the meeting with Elder Holland and some other big wig, who mentions that a YSA  girl hates the word young in there and that they are adults and want to be treated as such.  The way the bishop said this was like it was a REVELATION. Daaa!  They are adults, but the church cannot get rid of the word young.  Have the girl grow up or get married. One cannot get rid of that word. For the last decade there have been "mid-singles" focus in areas around the country.  You cannot name every one 18 to dead with the same name. That's kaos. I mention the books dad had read, that he shared with me about in the 1960's a women being so glad they changed it from ALL 18 to dead to 18 to 31 and then 31 to dead.  It's taken another 50 years to make another change.

Bishop yells at me for #8, insists the SA program is the same (something he knows NOTHING about) where ever you go.  Then tells me that we need the spirit here. I will speak when I am asked to!!!!!  He was red in the face, looking directly at me and everyone else was dead silent saying nothing- except for one stupid male.  

The stupid male says that were all going to be single some day.
So what's his point?  He's not single NOW!

• Does he know what it's like to leave a highly LDS populated college with out a ring on?

• Does he know what it's like leave a YSA ward having "graduated with out honors" and go to a family ward knowing that your changes of marriage just decreased a BUNCH!

• Does he know what's it like to know at new years eve that it's another year of unfulfilled dreams and unanswered prayers.

• Does he know what it's like to go to every family reunion with out a spouse and kids? 

• Does he know what it's like to go to baby showers and only have someone else experiences to share- and the same goes for every lesson at church on marriage and family?

• Does he know the fear of being alone your whole life and that when you do get to old to take care of yourself there will be no kids or grand kids to help or plan or even go to the funeral?  

• Does he know what it's like to not be picked, year after year, after year and wonder WHY?  Are you ugly?  Are you..... (you fill in the blank) . WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  It falls into everyone's lap!  Why not yours?

• Does he know what's it like to know that all months the good eggs are gone and that all the bleeding and cramps have been in vain.

• How about Valentines Day?  How about when you come home so tired you don't want to cook or do anything, but you have to because there is only one of you. 

• Does he know how to do this all and more for 20 years and still maintain a self-esteem?  

THE LIST COULD GO ON and ON and ON and ON.   The answer each time would be NO!

Bottom line is he mocked my pain!  His experience will never compair to mine, not just because he's not a woman, but because he has a temple marriage and he has children.  If his wife were to die tomorrow he still has an eternal marriage and children to take care of and that will take care of him. 

Then there's the bishop- the man who's been "investing in me" for over a year by having the church pay for counseling.  The man who knows I was in a emotionally, sexually, physically and financially abusive marriage with the frosting being CONTROL and I'm trying to rebuild my life and who I am - AMONG STRANGERS in a FARMING COMMUNITY which is a COMPLETE 180 from where I left.  The man who knows all this but picked up HUGE BOULDERS and THREW  them at my GLASS CASTLE  - IN FRONT of 10 PEOPLE, who will then go home and tell their spouses and most likely others. I am the only one in that room who knows what's it's like to be single with no spouse for 17 years and then to be divorced!  THE ONLY ONE! 

I refussed to be treated like that.

Then he tries to appologize, takes me into his room and asks me how I feel about the savior?  REALLY? REALLY?  What does that have to do with ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED?  NOTHING!   (I'm not the only one who thinks so too)   Can we please get real!

I can't sit down., I'm pacing and he's asking me about the Savior?  Is this to deflect what he did? To put the blame on me????  Or something Elder Holland told him to do?  I've had no time to process anything.  No time to realize that he negated my feelings, experiences, knowledge and facts.  Completely negated them. So- what of my value?  Clearily the message is NONE!!   I of course CAN'T TAKE IT. I do not go into chapel, but I stay on the couch in the foyer where a women named Wendy who has been to my home and was in the stake RS presidency finds me and then finds Terry Miller the HC.  They take me into the other wards clerks office and I scream and cry and am just beside myself.  They want to give me a blessing, but they can't for a while because I can't calm down. Terry says I shouldn't worry about what others think of me.  That's easy when one has someone to go home to that valadates your existence.  Who tells you they love you regularily and oh so much more.  Maybe your fabulous at your job or with something, anything that makes you feel like your life is worth the effort, but I have none of those things or anything like unto it. Not even close.  Wendy tells me he is a man and doesn't get women's needs.

I go to the SA meetings and suffer through and leave early, because I can't sit there in what is suppose to be a committee, not a dictatorship.  I realize that they cannot think out of there Idaho box and everything they do will be a 10 to them, but a 5 for me.  So I let go of expectations and choose to not go anymore. Tell me what to do and I'll do it, but I will not sit there and ...... want to throw up.

In Utah I'd be a number, lost in the crowd.  In Twin Falls  it's stupidvill.  In WA it's the same old, same old. So where do I go?  Does it even matter?

When you're raised in my family where there is no plan B or G, or M, etc,  you are waiting for the real thing to come and when it doesn't- you are screwed- emotionally and financially, etc.   So happy life for me.  I'll just keep make believing stories in my head, giving talks in my head where I am great, because that is the only place I get if from and my brain does not know the difference between reality and lies.

Ya, my family knows all about the SA program!  3 ways in 2 ways out.  2 ways out:  death or matramony.
3 ways  in- spouse die, divorce, or never married.  Up until my stupid marraige we had all 3 and I joked with mom about going to  dances...  now it's 3 generations- mom, me and Ruth and now nephew David.