3 ways in, 2 ways out

I've been thinking the last 24 hours about the process I've gone through while I've been single. I do believe it is a process. There are 3 ways into the single adult program of the church, none of them positive. 1. never get married. 2. get divorced. 3. have a spouse die. There are two ways out 1. marriage, 2. death. I suppose there is a third: going apostate and leaving the church.

Anyways, I've had the angry-bitter phase. That lasted for a few years. No one could get me out, it was something I had to get through. I didn't understand- I had righteous desires and this sure didn't seem merciful, just, or kind to me. I wanted to throw rocks at Heavenly Father. I very silly picture now.

Then when I turned 31 I was living with my parents due to school. I went to the family ward I basically grew up in. I was HUMILIATED! I wanted to hide. I thought I'd come back with a baby on my hip and children trailing behind. But I had nothing. I felt like I had this "looser" stamp on my forehead. No body wanted me, I was never picked. I wasn't something enough: pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, long hair enough, etc. I didn't want to be friends with the people who helped raise me, who talked me through those difficult times. I felt like we'd be having the same conversations we had when I was 17 and nothing had changed. During both of those phases I'd push away possible friendships, because I didn't think I was worthy, and I didn't stand a chance in the romantic department- men don't like angry bitter women!

After the hard grieving of loosing my Father wore off, I realized I didn't care anymore about being single and I started to have a good time, just having fun.

While I still visit those phases, for a short while, and with lesser intensity, I'm now just grateful there is a single adult program. Sure polygamy would solve the problem. But through this program I've meet people in my same situation, have made friends and have even had a few dates. Are there still lonely Friday and Saturday nights? ABSOLUTELY. But, I think there would be a lot more if there was no SA program.